Last night was the night of Hekate, so in all my excitement and jubilation I bought Hekate some roses, and some red wine for the occasion. Generally I would bake some honey cakes but it was so incredibly hot yesterday that exhaustion eventually took over and I couldn’t see myself messing up the kitchen I’d just cleaned hours before, with flour and sticky baking utensils.
I made my offerings and meditated with my veil/blindfold and felt the world spinning. The darkness took over as my body started rocking and swaying and I bowed before my Queen with writhing snakes at Her feet. The silence was difficult, but that was my lesson, to be silent and not drown out my fears with music or drumming, or dancing but to just listen to the soft pulse of the witching hour.
After my initial meditation I shuffled my Shadowscapes deck and drew the Queen of Swords.
This card immediately struck a chord with me, for a number of reasons. On Thursday night I did my Pentagram ritual spread and drew many cards relating to Air and swords; clouds, crows, swans, knights riding on birds, butterflies and weeping, anxiety, thoughts and lightning storms.
Of course my mind is filled with these things right now. There are many things weighing heavily on my heart and take up much space in my head. My depression has swelled up again and the constant panic attacks and mood swings are taking their hold on me. This rite, or meditation, was a time for me to reflect on that, to look at my fears and confront my own thoughts that I’ve been drowning with “other stuff” for a while.
Doing this was not going to be easy. At many points with the veil/blindfold I started to feel anxious, like I should move, do something. It wasn’t divine inspiration to do something, but rather that inner part of myself that refuses to stay still, be quiet and listen, it’s that part of me that has been getting worse and worse over the last few months, where I cannot be still or concentrate on just one thing. This would be a test, and would force me Be Silent.
Silence is hard, being still is hard, it’s a struggle with my Self, it’s a way in which for me to worm my way out of the pain, the emptiness, the deafening lies that I tell myself everyday. The silence is hard because when I confront myself and look at myself in a completely naked way, I fear I might not like what I see. My world might fall apart, I may become less stable than what I am now, and then fall into oblivion.
On Friday morning, I decided to read an article on Hekate in Llewellyn’s 2013 Witches companion, and something that the author said really resonated with me:
“She is not only a goddess who crosses the Veil, she is the Veil. Not just between life and death, but the border between existence and oblivion”. p 205
This is why the veil/blindfold is an important part of my practices with both Hekate and Anubis. She is the Veil, She is the border, and She is the Silence in between each moment. Moments of complete stillness and quiet are scary, they are frightening, they are moments owned by Hekate, they are moments where oblivion is a possibility but they are also moments of magic and power, potency and potential; moments of transformation.
“With her blade, the Queen of swords slices through lies and deceptions to the heart of the truth. She is honesty and inner knowledge, sending forth her winged seekers into the world. They are an extension of her being and her soul. What they see, they send thrumming back to her along the invisible lines that connect them through the ether. They know the language of souls, for they have passed through a metamorphosis that is not sleep and is not death”
p 207 Shadowscapes Companion
As Hekate wields Her blade, and slices away the barriers that I’ve put up she forces me to stand before Her, in silence, and indeed before Myself and I am forced to strip away the lies, the delusions and Know M(Th)yself.
Last night, weird and somewhat emotionally distressing dreams were weaved, and today I feel like a ton of bricks has been laid on my shoulders. Funny that the “physical” effects card in my ritual spread was the 10 of wands; a dryad holding a miniature world on her back, for that is exactly how I feel physically right now. It is to be expected, I wore the Veil, and I touched Silence and Oblivion even if it was only briefly.
Of course I’m still in the space of confronting myself and those slices of death and silence and oblivion that Hekate rules, and I’m not sure where this journey will take me, but She is by my side, the ever faithful She-Hound, and in Her honour I kiss each rose to my lips as they fade into Her.