The 9 of swords has been poking its ugly head around lately. This is a nuanced poking, meaning anything from the general anxiety that I feel in my waking moments, to the terrible insomnia I’ve been having for a while now. I’ve cut coffee and caffeinated drinks out of my life, and even so the insomnia and general malaise from lack of sleep is pulling me into its tangled web.
Being unemployed is one of my main concerns, it eats away at me every day, and I’m starting to feel a lack of faith in my abilities to pull things toward myself, even though I’ve pulled some things toward others that have certainly made their lives a lot more full and happy. This is obviously not something a Witch should be feeling, part of what makes us Witches is faith in our abilities. Maybe it is a mental and psychological block, maybe it is fear of change even though it is a change that I actually want. Whatever it is, it is making me feel more hopeless and worthless by the day, and is adding to the general anxiety that I feel.
Then comes the whopper insomnia, I will say my “Good nights”, and give my best efforts to fall asleep, but then an hour later I’m still awake, tick tick tick, worry, worry, worry. Tick… Tick….
Two hours later, I decide to watch a movie or read a book whichever will work its way around my anxieties better at any given moment and once it is done attempt again to fall asleep. Sometimes this does the trick. Sometimes it does not…
Tickity tick tick…. so I’ll toss and turn and practice deep breathing as if I’m going to astral, and then it is only a matter of time to tell whether this will work or not. Sometimes when it does work I found myself waking up at some horrible morning hour, but instead of having enough energy to actually put those lovely dark moments to use with a ritual or meditation or something, I feel like a train has hit me so I attempt again to fall asleep.
This happens on and off for about 3-5 days a week, and it absolutely drives me crazy.
What is even more agitating is that I know my subconscious mind is trying to tell me something. How do I know this?
The number of strange dreams I keep having once I’ve eventually gotten into lala land.
This morning is an example of one, where in a garden, like the one of my childhood, I found some bird bones and decided that I wanted to give them to Baba Yaga. A strange coincidence perhaps that when I open up my WordPress reader I find a post about a necklace for Baba Yaga made with bird and human bones.
I don’t believe in coincidences, because everything is connected.
I don’t believe in coincidences, because I’ve been putting a mirror on myself lately.
Of course this is not my first strange dream, I’ve had many, some more gruesome which turned out to be warnings and some less memorable which led to instances of deja vu… some with Mr Manson and I running through a forest together. You get the point.
Of course now I’m going to be specifically asking Baba Yaga what on Earth is going on, and hopefully I’ll figure it out.