So it has been a while since I have done any writing… Writing of any kind that is…even writing a ritual from scratch made my head well up with puffs and puffs of smoggy thoughts.
It has taken a while to heal, to let the ebb and flow of the universe take its course. Even though at this point I sit in uncertain waters, I have to just allow myself to sway and swoosh along with all that comes to pass.
This is what I have been told to do, I have laid foundations, I have planted the seeds, but now is the time for “Nature” to do its thing. So while I stare frustratingly at the soil to show signs of shooting green, I have to do other things…
Mostly I have just sat around anxiously in a ball with the television playing episodes of Smallville or movies on repeat until the sound of other things drowned out my own terrifying ramblings or until sleep took me over.
At other times I am releasing everything that is outworn, unnecessary and painful in my life. It has been a very physical and cathartic process, I have thrown out bags of “stuff”, and have replaced these things with positive thought patterns, creative inspiration and a renewed devotion to my path.
I never realised how drained I had been, for a month I had done no ritual, no meditation, no spellwork, no art, poetry or writing. There was a lack, but I had not realised that lack until the Tower had struck once again.
The tower reminds us to rebuild from the ashes, like the phoenix we must rise again. At times I have done this rebuilding grudgingly, with anxiety, with pain, with anger, with rage, with aggression, with joy, with hope, with ecstatic epiphany, with vigour, with boredom, with sadness, with exhaustion, with energy, with heart.
Part of this cathartic release and subsequent rebuilding has led to a wealth of emotions, at times I am up and other times I am down, I laugh, I cry, I scream, I sit with nothing but apathy, but in all these states of being, Anpu and Hekate remain at my side.
I have had to take little steps instead of ginormic leaps, as leaps could leave me crippled, while these steps will make me stronger. With each step I am finding renewed interest in certain literature, in my art, in personal education and of course my writing. While this interest has remained tentative, I have begun to force myself into it deeper, that includes actually posting this blog, it includes actually doing some of the things I set out to do months ago which I never got around to doing, and it includes allowing myself to feel again.
Of course along the way I may stumble and fall, get cut and bruised, but I also will enjoy the scenery. Maybe instead of just floating by in a disassociated bubble I will actually stop and smell the proverbial roses…