I haven’t really given much thought to blogging lately. Every time I think of a possible blog post I become sidetracked with thoughts of whether or not it is even worth posting, whether or not the post will come out too scattered, or will I just be writing too many rants for people to care. So I have been sitting for a while with blankness.
My blog no longer really focuses on rants which are directed outward to the larger pagan community. My incoherent musings are more and more self-focused and thus can be construed as self- centered and that is fine, although I love to interact with fellow bloggers, my blog has always been personal.
For a long time I have avoided, and even run screaming from pagan politics and the big Pagan bruhahas, and this has reflected within my personal path as well. Although I am still working on my system, my focus is on my healing, my spiritual growth, and my own journey. As a result, I have crawled deeper and deeper into my own head.
I am not here to win any popularity contests, or to compete with other bloggers that may or may not share similarities of practice, theology and aesthetics. My “religion” if it can be called that in its truest sense, is deeply personal, although I feel the pull to share the beauty of my unfolding path, I do not wish to expound upon all my practices and where my system is going, at least not right now. Because for now, I am dealing with some of my demons, my shadow aspects, and my life, and I am trying to navigate this obstacle-filled terrain by myself.
My Beloved Gods and Spirits have been understanding of the difficulties in my path, my reluctance to move forward and my struggle for balance. They understand the sorrow and the distance. It is a dance along the path, and sometimes the steps are fast, frantic and frenzied and other times they are more wavering, slow and as if there is no movement at all, but always there is movement.
The darkness of shadows is where I need to dwell, at least right now. My fears lie within the shadows. Shadows and Silence, two wholly intertwined concepts within my practice. Sometimes the silence can eat me up, swallow me whole, engulf me and completely devour me, but that is the nature of my path, forcing myself to glimpse into the maw of Anubis, the dark folds of Hekate’s robes. The light of the stars can only shine so brightly within the blackest of nights, within the stillest of landscapes.
The shadows are starting to dance… for a while they were like a black pool of anxiety that would not release me, but now that I am still, I can see how they have truly been dancing and weaving their pattern into eternity, into me all along…