There is a hole in my head. It is like a bullet hole in my eye, except that it looks like it has been clawed out, maybe by the powerful talons of my Familiar.
I am forced to look in the mirror and see the gaping hole; it is like a miniature abyss, inside my own head. I have to look inside this fleshy, injured space. I don’t want to, but my other self, the self that is looking at me from the outside is forcing me to look at it.
I am reminded of the cat with half a face, and devil’s grin that visited me last year in my imphepho-hazed cottage.
The shadows creep,
darkly and deeply into my head
and the crevices of my soul.
I am a withered thing
Still fighting this world
I screamed so loud and so hard that my throat began to burn. This is what darkness looks like.
I fucked up, I fucked up so badly that my heart and head and my body no longer feel like they are the same person. I have hurt people with my darkness, hurt them so badly that giving up on life is an actual option. Who the fuck am I?
I dream over and over of mirrors, the mirrors I must look into in order to actually move through all of this, I dream constantly of gaping holes, of things inside trying to escape out. Spiders and their sticky webs- mistakes and regrets and the worst punishment; hurting someone I promised my whole life to. There was blood in that promise, and since breaking that promise, there will be more.
I realise that I have been sitting on the edge of this path for so long, because I knew to walk any further along would mean to open up scars and wounds and fill them with poisons.
This is change, this is transformation.
The sword of truth cuts hard and deep, the only way to survive is to be honest.
I lived a double life, and my own demons rebounded on me, I cannot blame anyone but myself.
Those hell hounds that were biting at my heel finally caught up, and now I have to face them.
I have struggled to read my cards formore than a year to the point where I decided to leave them aside for a while. A double life, with double meanings… Which reading do you trust, your heart, your head? Is the picture clear? Is it true, is it a lie? You live a lie, so how can you tell?
Stepping into the fires of absolution is like having my body digested in Lye, except I am still alive, feeling this pain that I have caused. Hell is not a place you go to when you sin, it is a place inside your head, that you carry with until the tears and blood and flesh have been seared away and only bone remains.