All change is death. Some changes are harder than others. Some are formed in tragedy and trauma. on the Goose Moon, I almost died. I was almost murdered. I was almost killed just so thieves could happily steal a few hunks of metal and plastic.
For one week, I have been dealing with my trauma, healing, recovering. I have been moody, angry, sad, depressed, numb. I have been ravenous for chocloate, but have no apetite for food. I struggle at night when I sleep. The anxiety is like an acid eating into my veins. This happened at night, while I was sleeping. Had I not contacted The Hedgehog first before the police, I would have been dead. Had the Hedgehog been out that night like he was supposed to, instead of being at home looking after his cat on heat, I would have been dead.
For almost 3-5 minutes I knew what it was like to be Rat, Bird, a small mammal in the the grips of Snake. I was in a choke hold and lost consciousness twice. when I heard the Hedgehog`s voice, I was relieved. The panic was still there, I was on the floor, screaming, surrounded by peacock feathers, pieces of glass and my own blood. The dogs, my own, and the ones I was looking after were all safe, my laptop and my tablet were gone. They didn`t have time to steal my precious things, didn`t get to touch my things with their filthy, disgusting hands.
My eyes are red from burst blood vessels, The Hedgehog calls me `Blade`, I think I look like someone who has been poisoned by a snake. It is ironic because I am The Serpentess. But like snakes, during shed, I am vulnerable, weak, unable to fight. Had I fought back, with a knife, or a rock, I would have probably been dead. despite the evil, tragedy of that night, everything worked out in the best way possible. for that I thank the Fates, My Familars, the Gods.
To see how they broke in, is madness, my cottage is secure, bars on every window, security gate on the door, a safety locked door. Why did they come for me, in a small cottage? They saw the house, unoccupied by any recipient, as the landlord was away, but they targeted me.
Something still deeply bugs me about the whole thing, the timing, the targeting, the consequence. The cards said something about moving, I remember telling them to politely eff off. The cards told me something about an end, a new beginning, no way back- you see that bull in a china shop, was more than just recklessness, and anger, but complete blindness to the situation, to the vulnerable state that I am in. The hedgehog tells me this change will be good, a fresh start, and in my good moments I can agree. In my bad moments I just want things to go back to normal, I want my life back in order.
I am renting out a room at a friends house, looking for a safe and secure cottage or apartment for me and my dog. Change might be good. I can get rid of some things. Who said 27 was going to be easy? My old life is completely gone. I can not go back to that cottage, that place whch was my home for four years, my haven. the only place, other than in The Hedgehogs arms which I called safe, home. I have been back to collect things, but there is no emotion attached to it. I could not stay there though, the place is stained now with something too thick for even a witch to wash out.
The stress from all of this is sitting in my neck and the right side of my shoulder. It is like a clump of muscles tightly coiling, and bunching, and hurting.
As a Witch the things I can do are to protect, and to create. I want to make charms for all sorts of things, a new home, protection, safety, as a gift to the spirits. I want to curse, I have written one, but I have not used it yet. I am so physically weak, a curse might cripple me right now.
My desperation to get out of this country, and into a forest cottage is getting deeper, these wounds have made them deeper callings. To be away from people, their greed, their violence, their evil would do me good.
Is this the life my father wanted for me? is this the kind of strain my mother should be put through?
I am seeing a Trauma Cousellor on Monday. I do not know what good it will do, but it is a free session. I have never had much faith in counselling and psychology. The things which make me cope with the harrowing consequences of life and depression are my art, my dog, The Hedgehog, my writing, my Witchcraft.
At the Witches Market, I found an item of magial worth, I need to create this Goose Heart, and maybe in the making, I will kow its purpose. The Goose Moon has brought me a greater understanding of life and death, and states of in between. It has taught me snake medicine from the outside and has brought me closer to my Fetch Beast, my Soul, my inner life, even if I have an emotional block on it all, for now…just to cope.