A bag of dicks…

I cannot help but feel I have failed in some way.

I don’t know how one lives a life like this, constantly tormented by all these “mundane” forces that make it virtually impossible to do anything but crawl into the digital abyss and weep.

Life has been a bag of dicks. And I don’t know if that is because I have failed in some tasks, and therefore didn’t hold up my end of the bargain, or if have failed because life has been a bag of dicks. Perhaps it is a bit of both.

Death has called so many away, and each time it takes a piece of my soul with it,a piece of the Hedgehog’s too if I am being honest. People think I am tough, but it is simply because life has literally sucked away all the warmth from my heart, and now I simply feel like an empty husk. I keep trying to get back to whatever it was that was deep, but “mundane” life does not work that way. You work, sleep, eat and repeat on an endless loop, like that stupid song. No raving though, just continuous bags of dicks.

I read the cards, and they tell me what to do, so I do it. I get confirmation from certain experiences, and then another bag of dicks is thrown my way. Sometimes I am just so tired of fighting, and frankly I am sick of the direction I keep getting pushed in. Its not going to make anything better, not for me, not for my family, not for the fucking spirits. So I am tired of it.

This is a little what hopelessness looks like. I am tired of fighting my darkest depressive thoughts, sick of fighting to survive, sick of fighting to be ok. Yes I just want to escape. I have been here before, felt this way before, and I almost died, my heart and lungs closing up, my own immune system eating me up from the inside- hungry fucking wolf. There have been bad times before, yes, and I have come out of each one, with scars, and more cynicism each time, more sarcastic, more bitter, ah- maybe I am becoming The Holly Hag afterall.

Is this spiraling pit of hell eventually going to stop? Are things ever, eventually going to be ok? Better than ok?
Because gods right now this is becoming too much.

8 of wands- onslaught. I should have known it wasn’t a good thing. The moment I saw that card my heart fell into my stomach. I knew it wasn’t going to be good. But I was trying, trying to be optimistic. But death, after death, bad news after bad news, each and every thing out of my control…

And then, I started reading with a different set of cards, and perhaps I completely misread them, because I was trying to become acquainted with them and didn’t know them well enough yet, but I should have noticed the warnings in them, even though the warnings made no sense. But now they do. Hindsight is 20/20. Yes a stupid cliche but no less true.

I know I need to do ritual tonight, need because it is clear that I have only one place left to turn, to make sense of this ridiculous life. But I don’t know that I won’t pass out the moment I get home, because all of this is just so fucking exhausting and I honestly just want to give up.

2 thoughts on “A bag of dicks…

  1. Hang in there dear…
    This too shall pass.
    Project strong affirmations and stand your ground ❤️
    Blessed be

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